Remedy for Rejection – pt1

This article was penned by Chase Thompson, elder at Agape Fellowship. The corresponding sermon can be found on this site under Messages / Singles / Rejection (July 6, 2014)

rejectionLiterally everybody has struggled with rejection at one time or another. From supermodels, to frumpy moms…from quarterbacks to nerds…everybody has tasted the bitter bile of rejection. I still remember the day in high school when, after being goaded by my parents for a month to ask a particular girl out, I finally relented and walked into the drugstore where she was working. I had a good wingman with me, and was confident in my chances of success. First, because my parents (who were friends with her parents) had told me that she was interested and, second because, at that tender age, I had never been turned down by a girl. (Not because I was a Romeo…but because I was careful to ask out only girls that I knew would say yes…)  

Anyway, five minutes after walking into the drugstore, I walked out with a confused look on my face, and a hole in my heart. She had shot me down! I had been rejected. I still remember how bad that hurt…and how bad it hurt when my first serious girlfriend broke up with me to go out with another guy…and how bad it hurt when I had unrequited love for my third grade sweetheart. Rejection stinks, and keep in mind that I am only writing about my own rejection stories that are easy to share and not too embarrassing. I’m keeping the REALLY painful ones to myself.  

Rejection happens to all of us – the best and the worst of us. That rejection is a universal experience among humans, however, doesn’t make it any easier to bear….just know that you are not alone – and read on! Here’s one example: Jeff Kemp was the quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks in 1988. From his autobiography, he writes about one particularly stinging incidence of rejection:

“Coming out of the pregame meal, one of the offensive coaches put his arm around me and strongly affirmed his faith in me. “I want you to know how happy I am that you are the Seahawk quarterback. I’ve been waiting for this day.” On the day of the game, Kemp started out hot, but a pass that all-pro wide receiver Steve Largent dropped caused Kemp to lose confidence and it led to him having a terrible first half performance that all of the Seahawks fans lustily booed leading into halftime.

I waded through the players to find the coach who had been so supportive before the game. I wanted to discuss some offensive strategies that might turn things around in the second half. As I approached him and began, “Coach—” he turned his back on me without a word. Then he called to another quarterback, put his arm around him, and began to discuss plays he would run in the second half.

Now, I understood that I was being taken out of the game. That made sense. I was hoping it wouldn’t happen, but I understood. But that coach didn’t say one word to me for the rest of the game, even though we stood next to each other on the sidelines. Nor did he say anything on Monday when we watched the game films. For about a month, there was complete rejection. He simply couldn’t deal with the fact that I hadn’t lived up to his hopes, that I hadn’t helped the team succeed. He rejected me relationally because my performance fell short.

Can you relate to that? I think we all can! We have all come up short in our performance in one way or the other, and have seen people, whom we thought liked us a lot, turn their backs on us or at least shake their heads in disappointment.

I like quotes a lot, and I stumbled upon one this week that surprised me. This one is from a prayer by pastor Walter Marshall, “May God bless my discovery of the powerful means of holiness so much as to save some from killing themselves.” What a strange prayer that is…until you hear the back-story.

That was a prayer at the beginning of a message, and a very odd one. Pastor Marshall had been faithfully teaching the Bible, but many of the people in his church were so struck with feelings of rejection and inability to please God or each other…that suicide and self mutilation were rampant! He was praying that his message would lead to people stopping the practice of harming themselves, and even save some from killing themselves.

Pastor Marshall well understood their feelings, as He too had been despairing until he had finally understood the remedy for the constant rejection and separation from God that he felt. I’m writing about that remedy today, because rejection is still a tremendous issue among us.  I say still because Walter Marshall pastored in the 1600s. Yes – they dealt with suicide and self harm/cutting and such even back then. Rejection is prevalent, timeless, universal and deadly painful.

Rejection is so painful perhaps because we are wired to deeply need approval. On Instagram –  people sometimes comment, “spam for spam,” In other words, “like my pictures, and I will like all of yours.” We relish “likes” on FB, and followers on Twitter.   We SO want approval.

Where did this longing for approval come from? We can trace it back thousands of years – all the way back to the Garden of Eden…where a man and a woman lived that were so assured of the approval of God that they were naked and unashamed and living in freedom.

When we, as humans, were absolutely certain of God’s approval – we lived in ultimate freedom – no clothing – no airs. We can’t do that now! Once humanity lost assurance of the approval of God (after Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit…) they covered up and hid. They put on clothes AND fled from the presence of God.   Prior to the fall, Adam and Eve knew and walked in a deep confidence of the approval of God, and it brought deep and radical freedom.   After the Fall,  a return to that level of freedom is not yet available – keep your clothes on! – but a STUNNINGLY deep level of joy and peace is available to those who are justified by faith in Jesus and are deeply permeated by that truth. 

Rejection and the Spirit of Rejection. How to know if this is a big issue for you?

We have all tasted rejection – but some people struggle daily and nightly with rejection in a deeper way than many others. Why do some struggle so much in this area? Is it because of past abuse? Insecurity? Is it a spiritual attack? Or, perhaps, are some people just that much more of a magnet for rejection than others? Read on to find out how to know if rejection is a giant issue in your life. (Note: it is a significant issue in everybody’s life)

Signs you struggle with rejection more than most:

1. A regular, nagging feeling that you don’t belong – that other people fit in much better than you do, and that you are always on the outside. “Other people always get together and hang out…but I always feel left out.”

2. Regular and disabling feelings of unworthiness and lack of value.  “I guess that I’m just not important enough to people for them to call me.”

3. Being quick to take offense for yourself or a family member. “Why doesn’t my son or daughter get invited over to other people’s houses? Why are the other children better liked than my children?” 

4. Feeling that no matter what you do, it’s not good enough.  “I’ve tried so hard to be a friend to other people, but they just aren’t returning the favor. Why won’t anybody be MY friend?” 

5. Friend hopping – skipping around to different friends and confidants, moving around to different churches/groups of people a lot. “This particular group of people doesn’t like me and will never like me. We need to leave and go elsewhere so that I can find that group of friends who will truly embrace me and make me feel at home.”

6. Having a tendency to take things that happen and words that are spoken as particularly negative. “His/her words were pointed at me, and were intended to hurt me.”

7. Having a tendency to get your feelings hurt by words or an event, but not speaking about it, or masking your real feelings. “I feel left out…but they will never know how hurt I am!”

8. Having difficulty recognizing when others reach out to you in loving or friendly ways. OVER-Emphasizing when people hurt you or don’t include you and forgetting the times when people have encouraged you and included you. “My friends don’t care at all about me…all they do is leave me out and hurt me.”

If the above are your common thoughts and feelings then it is possible that you might have a significant issue with rejection. It is possible that you are truly rejected more than others OR it is actually more likely that you are OVER-focusing on negative things and UNDER-focusing on positive things, which is COMPLETELY distorting your ability to perceive and receive love and warm friendship.

Is there a Spirit of Rejection?

I have heard pastors and church leaders speak of a specific “Spirit of Rejection.” With the implication that some people struggle so much with rejection because they are actively targeted by a demon or malevolent spirit that seeks to feed and breed feelings of rejection in that person. Is such a thing possible – or is it outlandish? Is rejection more of an emotional/psychological issue or a spiritual issue?  I believe the answer can well be BOTH! What does the Bible say about a “Spirit of Rejection?”

The Bible speaks of spirits of sleep/slumber/stupor, evil spirits, unclean spirits, spirits of heaviness, spirits of foolishness, spirits of prostitution, lying spirits, elemental spirits, deceitful spirits, demonic spirits, and more…  1 Cor 12:10 speaks of a spiritual gift of distinguishing between spirits (!) Quite clearly, the inspired Word of God seems to indicate that there are active spirits, with specific characteristics, that work evil against God’s people. Are these spirits actually demons or a different being altogether? That question is an interesting one, but is beyond the scope of this project.

Are these spirits personal, or simply feelings, thoughts, etc? In other words, when the Bible speaks of various spirits, is the Bible actually euphemistically referring to what we would call psychological issues today? 2nd Chronicles 18:21 AND 1 Kings 22:22 both speak of a personified, real,active and living deceiving spirit who had the ability to communicate and develop cunning plans. Other Scriptural passages seem to confirm that these evil spirits do indeed have a personality and intelligence. 

Now – what about a specific “Spirit of Rejection?”  I note quite clearly that the Bible does NOT specifically list a Spirit of Rejection, but Paul writes to Timothy a very interesting warning that many biblical Christians do not take seriously in this modern age. 1 Timothy 4:1 Now the Spirit expressly says that in later times some will depart from the faith by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons. Here Paul is very strenuously warning Timothy that a day will come when those in the church will be drawn away by the demonic false teachers AND will be devoted to deceitful spirits. I believe that one of the ways those deceitful spirits draw people away from faith is via the avenue of rejection. Put more specifically, you can’t make a biblical case for there being a specific “Spirit of Rejection,” but you can clearly make the case that there are deceitful spirits who lead people astray in the church. One of their primary tools, especially in this day and age, is the tool of rejection.

If I had to speculate – I believe that these “deceitful spirits” work on stirring up lies to separate believers and assault unity in the church. Whereas Jesus prayed in John 17 that His followers would be brought to “complete unity,” so that the world would know that God the Father sent His son…deceitful spirits endeavor to stir up lies to SEPARATE believers and DAMPEN the gospel through disunity. As Paul notes in Ephesians 6:12, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” I propose that one of the clearest and most painful ways that we wrestle against spiritual forces of evil is in the context of rejection! And therefore, I conclude that it is likely that there are spiritual enemies opposed to us that seek to attack Christians with overwhelming despair and rejection. While there may not be a specific “Spirit of Rejection.” it is quite clear that the Bible warns us about deceitful spirits, and I believe these deceitful spirits can and do constantly assault Christians with lies and attacks designed to make them feel so rejected as to withdraw from fellowship!

Be sure to check out Part 2 of this article.

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